Mental Health
The expert’s guide to dealing with personality changes in your partner
When we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, we’re likely to encounter various challenges as time passes, from illness and career pressures to children growing up and leaving home. However, studies show that another factor can pose a significant test too: personality changes in our partner.
For those of us who met our significant other in our 20s or 30s, chances are that – some years on – their likes and behaviours have naturally evolved.
“It’s not unusual for people to change gradually over time: life is never static, neither are we,” states Mila Smith, a certified relationship and dating coach at From Single to Couple Relationship & Dating Consultancy.
It can be jarring if these new-found attributes don’t align with our own traits and values. So what can we do about it?
Talking it out
Rather than letting grievances bubble away under the surface, it’s vital to address our feelings, say the experts.
“If left unchecked, these changes or differences can feel as if they are growing bigger, as if they are swallowing our relationship whole,” says registered counsellor Georgina Sturmer.
Eventually, thoughts can morph into resentment and potentially lead to a relationship breakdown.
“Resentment, in particular, tends to build over time without us noticing, very subtly influencing how we perceive our partner and the relationship itself,” reveals Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney. “Confusion and frustration, if not addressed, can manifest in passive-aggressive behaviour or emotional withdrawal, causing even more conflict.”
And it’s not just our partner. We need to consider the ways we might’ve changed, too. “This is absolutely central,” states Georgina. “We all change over time, even if we don’t recognise it.”
“Sometimes, we have psychological blind spots: something we don’t see about ourselves that others do see,” explains Mila.
Asking a friend or other family member can be an easier first step before seeking our partner’s opinion, too. “When you do discuss with your partner, find out why exactly those personality changes or new attitudes are problematic. Then, you can look for a solution together,” says Mila.
7 solutions for dealing with personality changes in a partner
So, what can we do if we’re grappling with personality or behaviour changes in a relationship? Our experts reveal all.
Be honest, open, and empathetic
“To navigate changes and maintain a healthy relationship, open communication and flexibility is incredibly important,” notes Annabelle. “Start by having an honest conversation where you express how you feel about the changes – and approach this with openness and empathy.”
Before diving in, Georgina recommends considering things from our partner’s point of view. How might they feel about discussing changes in their personality? What suggestions do we have to help heal any fissures that have been caused by changes?
“Once you have a bit of a plan, try to find a neutral and calm opportunity to discuss things,” she advises. “You’ll also need to be prepared to truly listen to their perspective and try to understand the reasons behind these shifts.”
Avoid accusations
Firing accusations at our loved one isn’t the right approach, says Mila. Doing so may cause our partner to shut down and resist what we’re trying to tell them.
“Instead of saying, for example, ‘You do/don’t do XYZ anymore’, try to word it in a less confrontational way,” she suggests. “We might instead start a conversation with ‘when you do/don’t do XYZ, I feel confused/puzzled/sad, because this is not what I’m used to. Can we discuss, please?'”
Our tone is crucial, too. A softer, friendlier tone can signal and encourage empathy and openness, while harsher vocals can immediately indicate conflict and misunderstanding.
Compromise and focus on the positives
Where possible, work on compromising. “Recognise which changes are non-negotiable for you and which ones you might be willing to adapt to,” advises Annabelle.
Sure, our partner might insist on going for a walk together each morning, even if we don’t feel like it. But rather than focusing on the negatives, we need to consider the benefits: they want to spend quality time together and we’re getting a dose of exercise.
“Focus on shared values, such as trust, respect and communication, rather than just differing interests, and find common ground to strengthen your bond,” Annabelle shares.
Give each other space to grow
If our partner has a new hobby that we’re not so keen on joining in with, that’s OK! Having different interests is normal.
“Give each other space to grow individually, as personal development is a natural part of life that should absolutely be encouraged,” notes Annabelle. “By prioritising flexibility and understanding, it is entirely possible to maintain a healthy and supportive relationship even as both of you evolve.”
Recognise cues
In some instances (such as with health issues), our partner might be going through changes that they don’t know how to deal with. Annabelle says that understanding particular cues – such as body language or tone – can help us to know if our partner is feeling frustrated, uncomfortable, or misunderstood.
“If you notice them withdrawing or becoming defensive, it may be a sign that they are struggling internally and haven’t been able to articulate those feelings,” she explains.
Compassion is essential for helping them to open up. “Small acts of validation, like acknowledging their new interests or offering support in ways they need, can help them feel understood and appreciated.”
Consider whether the changes are temporary
Before bringing up any concerns, Mila recommends taking a moment to consider whether any behaviour or personality changes could be temporary. Perhaps there is a temporary illness or stressful event that will ultimately pass.
Older individuals may be affected by ongoing concerns such as dementia, which is known to cause personality changes. “In this case, it would be wise to consult a medical professional and seek qualified help,” says Mila.
Decide your dealbreakers
Change is daunting for many people, says Georgina – even if that change might become a good thing in the future – and can cause feelings of panic and concern.
Some changes – such as a new penchant for telling corny jokes or being less concerned about appearance – might be something we can eventually learn to live with, rather than being something to potentially end a relationship over.
However, other changes might truly be something we really can’t move past. “If your partner starts to do something that you find abhorrent, it’s important to consider whether you can be in a relationship with someone who crosses your ethical boundaries,” Georgina notes.
Words: Chantelle Pattemore
