Mental Health
Coping with grief: 9 practical ways to support a loved one through loss
We all experience loss throughout our lives, yet finding the right words to say to a grieving loved one can often feel difficult.
Many of us find the topic of grief challenging, but avoiding the subject could do more harm than good. Statistics show that a third of us feel as though we don’t receive the right support when going through bereavement.
“If grief is not witnessed and processed, it can lead to what psychologists call complex grief – when someone remains ‘stuck’ in an acute phase of their grief,” explains Dr Laura Williams, clinical psychologist and author of What To Do When You Feel Broken.
In addition, studies show that receiving helpful support during grief reduces depressive and PTSD symptoms, minimises the risk of prolonged grief, and lowers our psychological stress.
So, what are the best ways to support a grieving loved one? We spoke to three experts to find out.
9 practical ways to support a loved one through grief
Open the conversation
If we’re unsure about the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ thing to say, it can be tempting to avoid talking about the person’s loss and their feelings as much as possible. However, as Laura explains, it’s important to open up the conversation.
“Acknowledgement and recognition is part of allowing people to have their grief witnessed and held where appropriate for them,” she says.
From there, if someone wants to talk about it, we can continue the conversation. If not, move on.
Avoid clichés
In times of uncertainty, it’s easy to fall back on well-known phrases and platitudes, such as ‘they’re in a better place’ or ‘time is a great healer’. While we might mean these with good intentions, they can feel dismissive, says Dipti Tait, grief psychotherapist and author of Planet Grief.
Instead, she recommends acknowledging a loved one’s loss with authenticity.
“Simply saying, ‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you’ can be profoundly supportive,” Dipti shares.
Sometimes, we don’t even have to say anything at all. “Just sitting in silence and holding the space for them – without rushing to fill it with words – can speak volumes about your care and presence,” she says.
Share your memories
“Celebrating the life of the person who has passed – through stories, laughter, and cherished memories – can bring moments of healing,” Dipti reveals.
She suggests creating a memory ‘ritual’, such as lighting a candle, making a memory box, or playing a meaningful song. “These acts allow for closure in a deeply personal and powerful way,” Dipti explains.
Encourage self-care
Between funeral arrangements, sorting through belongings, and navigating waves of emotion, it’s easy to overlook self-care. However, it’s an essential part of the process, says Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo, registered psychologist and author of Mental Health Microgains.
She recommends encouraging a loved one to give themselves some TLC – from eating healthy meals and going for a walk in the fresh air to staying hydrated and sticking to a consistent bedtime routine.
“Sleep is important for our body and mind and helps us to process our emotions and thoughts,” she says.
Offer practical support
While offering a shoulder to cry on is essential, so too is providing practical support – and we shouldn’t wait for our loved one to request it.
“Some of the best things my supports ever did for me was to buy some food or take my kids to the park,” Laura shares. Feelings of grief can quickly make routine tasks seem overwhelming and unmanageable.
For times where we’re unsure of what our loved one might need, it’s best to ask. Don’t try and problem solve! “It can be a natural instinct, but let them guide you,” Tara explains.
Recognise that there’s no ‘timeline’
When we experience grief, it can be easy to assume that others will go through the emotions and grieving process in a similar way. But, as Laura explains, the grief ‘timeline’ varies hugely.
“Expecting people to have ‘moved on’ in a certain time frame is not helpful and puts further pressure on the person grieving,” she says. “Everyone moves at their own pace, and our job as a friend or loved one is to stand by their side as they determine that pace for themselves.”
Re-evaluate thoughts about grief
For years, we’ve been told there are five ‘stages’ of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, thinking has changed around ‘models’ to something much more nuanced.
“The focus is more towards acknowledging that there can be many emotions experienced after loss, and that there is not a pre-conceived order for these,” Tara explains.
This approach allows people to work through the full range of emotions they’re experiencing – and removes expectations about how they ‘should’ be grieving.
Continue to check-in for the long-haul
Those first few days following a loss are when everyone visits, calls, or messages to ask how someone is doing. After several weeks, those check-ins usually become much fewer and farther between as we return to our daily routines. But it doesn’t mean the grief is gone.
“True support is felt in the weeks, months, and even years that follow,” Dipti says.
This doesn’t mean asking a loved one how they’re doing every single day. Instead, she suggests sending them a text every few weeks saying ‘thinking of you’ or posting a card on the anniversary of the day the person died.
“These small acts remind them they are not forgotten and keeps them feeling connected, even when others may have moved on,” Dipti shares.
Our loved one may change
Many individuals who go through grief say that their loss makes them a ‘different’ person in some respects. Research shows that our brain neurons can actually alter following a bereavement. While it can be difficult to see a person we care for change, it’s important not to push back.
“Losing a significant person in our lives can often change us in both positive and negative ways,” Dr Williams shares. “Allowing for those changes and the way a person might now operate in the world is an important part of meeting the grieving person with compassion.”
For support and to find local grief groups and organisations, visit The Good Grief Trust.
Words: Chantelle Pattemore
