The Menopause
6 ways to cope with becoming an empty-nest syndrome
Empty nest syndrome (ENS) – the emotions we experience once the kids leave home – is far from uncommon.
A social media survey by Mind found that 56% of us have experienced (or anticipate experiencing) ENS, while a study by Sky Mobile revealed that 96% of parents don’t feel ready for their children to leave home.
Yet, despite so many of us experiencing ENS, there’s often little in the way of support.
What is empty-nest syndrome?
Before diving in, let’s take a closer look at what ENS is and the effects it can have.
Despite its prevalence, ENS is not a classified mental health disorder.
“It’s a general term to describe a psychological experience related to the experience of parents when their children leave the family home,” explains Dr Gurpreet Kaur, a chartered clinical psychologist and EMDR practitioner.
But that doesn’t mean its impacts aren’t real. Gurpreet says ENS can manifest in things like anxiety, grief, and loneliness. One study found that loneliness arising from ENS is highly associated with depression, while another concluded that ENS-related distress is linked cognitive impairment.
Kamalyn Kaur, a psychotherapist, says the effects of ENS can also affect our appetite and disrupt our sleep.
A time for change
It’s not all bad news, however.
“It’s about rediscovering who you are when they’re gone,” says Gurpreet. “That journey, while challenging, can ultimately be one of profound self-growth and renewal.”
Some experts have even defined this discovery process as occurring in several stages: starting at grief and resistance, before moving onto feelings of loss and engaging in passive behaviours, then a shift into impulsive behaviours. Finally, it ends with achieving adaptation and experiencing a sense of relief.
Why are women more often impacted?
Although both parents can feel a sense of loss after a child leaves home, women more often report experiencing ENS symptoms compared to their male partners.
Why? In many family dynamics, women often take on more caregiving responsibilities, which can take up a great deal of time and mental energy.
“This has meant their daily lives, emotions, and even self-worth have centred around their role as mothers,” states Gurpreet. The result, she says, is a profound sense of loss when a child leaves home – not only in terms of physical presence, but in terms of personal identity.
Another challenge is the change to our structure and routine. When this suddenly vanishes, it can leave us feeling adrift. “For women who have put their careers, social lives, hobbies, or personal interests on hold to focus on parenting, adjusting to an empty home can feel even more challenging due to the sudden lack of structure and purpose,” says Kamalyn.
Children leaving home often also coincides with our menopausal years – when our hormones are already wreaking havoc on our mental and physical wellbeing. “Hormonal changes in midlife can amplify our emotional responses,” shares Dr Ritz Birah, a consultant counselling psychologist and founder of Reflect with Dr Ritz. Needless to say, adding a sense of grief into an existing emotional rollercoaster is not the best of recipes.
6 ways to tackle empty nest syndrome
While the transitional period of ENS can feel rocky, it doesn’t have to all be negative. “By acknowledging the loss and intentionally redefining purpose, parents can navigate this phase with resilience and rediscover fulfillment beyond their role as caregivers,” says Gurpreet.
Here, our experts share their top tips on how to cope.
Be honest with yourself about how you feel
We sometimes think that brushing off our feelings is the best way to avoid feeling sad. But Gurpreet says that it’s essential to allow ourselves time to mourn the loss (much like grieving).
“Observe your thoughts with interest and be curious about them rather than getting pulled into them,” says Gurpreet. “It’s a nice trick to create a little bit of distance. So, instead of saying, ‘I’m feeling sad’, you say, ‘I’m noticing I’m having a thought that I am sad or a feeling of sadness’.”
Stay connected to your children in a healthy way
Sure, it’s important to give children space and allow them to flourish independently. But their leaving home doesn’t mean we’re cutting all ties.
“Regular phone calls, video chats, or visits will help maintain a strong bond,” says Kamalyn. “This regular (and healthy) contact can ease the transition.”
One study found that many parents feel the relationship with their child is ‘severed’ after they leave home. However, maintaining a healthy approach to contact can help preserve relationships without being overbearing.
Redefine your purpose
“Whether it’s a career shift, volunteering, or pursuing long-forgotten hobbies, this is a chance to embrace new chapters of personal growth,” says Ritz. While it might feel like a while ago, we can think about what brought us joy pre-motherhood and whether these are activities we can pick up again.
Chances are our likes and priorities have shifted over the years, so Ritz says now is also an ideal time to explore different interests. Discovering activities is a great way to feel revitalised and establish a new identity as we move away from our role as caregiver.
Reignite relationships
Loneliness is a key element of ENS. However, as Ritz explains, establishing new bonds or deepening existing ones can help ease feelings of isolation. “Strengthen social connections by investing in friendships, your relationship with your partner (if you have one), or community involvement,” she suggests.
Studies reveal that having poor marital or social support when experiencing ENS can negatively affect our wellbeing.
Gurpreet adds that connections can also be made online – through blogs, social media, or YouTube videos. “Connecting with experiences of others in the same situation can help to give hope on how to move through this, as well as clarity that it is normal to experience mixed feelings,” she adds.
Prioritise your wellbeing
Kamayln recommends regularly engaging in activities such as exercise and meditation. “They can help manage emotions, reduce stress, and add structure to your day,” she says. “A consistent routine can be especially comforting when we’re feeling lost or out of balance.”
Gurpreet highlights that, when our attention has been on caregiving for so many years, it can be difficult to switch to focusing on ourselves. “It’s vital to give yourself permission to slow down into enjoyment of those activities,” she says.
Seek professional help
And, sometimes we might just need a little extra support. Ritz says that if we’ve been struggling for longer than a few months, and it’s impacting daily life, or developing into symptoms of depression (such as sleep changes or loss of motivation), we should contact a GP or therapist for support.
A recent study of parents experiencing ENS found that attending acceptance and commitment therapy sessions led to significant improvements in emotional self-regulation and cognitive flexibility. “Counselling can help reframe this transition as an opportunity for personal fulfillment rather than just a loss,” says Ritz.
Words: Chantelle Pattemore
